Stille Nacht

Christmas is a strange time for me... nevertheless a time I have to reflect on the loved ones who aren't spending it with me this year. It's our first Christmas without my grandfather, which if you knew him, you'd know that he was the Cracroft Christmas spirit. No turns taken reading the story of Christ's birth from the bible, no singing of "Silent Night" in German, and you certainly did not hear his voice belting "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" as you woke up that morning. As my fork picked apart the traditional breakfast casserole, I sincerely started to miss everything that was my previously noted Christmases.

Gifts were given, open, and received within a matter of minutes. It seems as we get older, the presents get fewer and far more expensive. I've seemed to have really lost sight of what is really important this year; family. I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to drive home to see my family for the holidays. No matter what kind of mess you are in, those late night "help" phone calls, heartbreaks, anxiety attacks, they are always there at the foundation of your very soul. I believe that your mind and body need family. Amidst all of life's changes, I know my family is that one stable thing in my life to return to in order to get back to my roots.

Mother, this one is for you as well. My mom is lucky enough this year to take part in my grandfather's first Christmas in heaven. I know, it sounds silly, but it kind of soothes my heart to know that family still lives on, even distant from this world. Like every year since I was eight, I miss her a lot too. I spent a good amount of my downtime last night flipping through old scrapbooks, scrounging my subconscious for any memories of her to relive. Even though I didn't have much time with her, I have been feeding off the words of those who did know her, in order to put together this image of who I think she was. An attribute of hers that always makes me think of her is doing kind things for others. No matter who the person is, I think everyone deserves the occasional out-of-the-blue plate of cookies, gift, cup of coffee, or note of appreciation. I'd drain all of my bank accounts, just to show others that I care for them.

Relating back to my earlier posts of overcoming fits of depression, I've found that doing things for others really can make a difference. If you are feeling blue, get your mind busy and do something for someone else. Being the season that it is, giving only appears natural. Putting a smile on someone else's face is a huge step towards personal happiness. You have many gifts to offer the world, so give them. There is a very good chance that you may be reaching out to someone who may also be in a time of need.

I hope that you, reader, also don't forget the real spirit of Christmas this year. Use that shiny new iPhone 5 to call a friend or family member you haven't talked to in a while.

Christmas spirit may be dwindling this year, but I sure can give every day happiness a hell of a shot.

Time: That thing we hate to love

Starting this blog I was a little bit wary of how it would be perceived. It was like singing your first solo at a school talent show. Luckily, I must not have sung too off-key. After my first post, I was overwhelmed with inbox messages, comments, and text messages. All which were amazing; it's great to see the courage to address these "adult" problems reciprocated in such a way that could bring one to tears.

I never thought ten years ago that I would be dealing with more serious topics in my life, but I guess we all thought that. Don't you wish that for just a minute, you could be eight years old again? Growing up too fast has always been a fear of mine. Age will never stop, till suddenly you are stricken with alzheimers, a crippled leg and can't move anymore. And then we die.

 Growing up with a grandfather who was the Dean of the Humanities department at BYU gave me the constant opportunity to improve my writing. I'm thankful to have had such a critic, that my English teachers feared giving me anything but an A on drafts they saw his red markings. But, if there is anything I learned from him, your knowledge is never ending and you can never stop improving. I know I'm no literary genius, and I recognize that I need to keep tuning my skill in order to progress without him in my life. So I would like to first and foremost thank all of you for reading, and all of your kind words that gave me the courage to keep writing.

Some of the messages I received this week informed me of issues that were weighing you down. And I wanted to address the most important step to overcoming hardship. Realization that you are not alone. I remember my first day back in the third grade, after my mother had passed. Nobody really knew what to say or do. People always said, "I wish I knew what you are going through so I could help you." Truth is, I wouldn't want you to understand. Losing a parent is not something you wish upon someone. If you know of someone going through a hard time, being a friend is the only true remedy. In the past I have relied on great friends to pick me up and carry me when I was too weak to stand.

That said, you should never judge a person based on their trials. I've never liked the idea of people feeling bad for me, because I have always wanted to continue on as a normal as possible. And thinking that your trial is worse than the next person is dangerous. Everyone struggles with their own problems, whatever they may be. When it comes down to it, each of us as human beings are all made of the same cells, blood, organs, and bones. Whatever happened to you doesn't make you less of that person, you can be as happy as you want to be. 

Finding happiness this week has resulted in the conclusion that no matter how bad you feel today, you need to keep moving so that you can feel better tomorrow. Your day can't stop because you don't feel like it. Tomorrow seems like a lost cause, but I can assure you that it can't be any worse than today. Like I said earlier; time never stops. Remember that heartbreak you had back in the eleventh grade? Bet you haven't thought about that for a minute. You can overcome anything, and the severity of any trial lessens over time.

 Here's a quote I've never been able to find the author of, that I distinctly remember reading on a poster in my ninth grade physics class. I believe it was shortly after a girl told me I had "not butt," and my jeans looked really bad:

"Never let yesterdays disappointments, overshadow tomorrow's dreams."

So for today, keep moving forward. Let time heal your broken spirit, but in the process, don't let time escape you. You have a healthy body and plenty of energy. Loosen the bands of sadness from your wrists and live each day to it's fullest potential, knowing that tomorrow will be better.

Oh, and insert cheesy picture of girl standing on a beach somewhere, arms stretched out and some cheesy quote about life over it here.

Preface

Before you jump to any conclusions, no, this is not a blog about one of my favorite middle school rap songs. (Although, I wish it was.) Plain White Tee is a representation of bringing it back to the basics. We all started somewhere. For me, a baby in the womb. For this blog, a white tee shirt.

This blog is not for everyone, and is not about teenage angst and unrequited love. It is a pre-cursor to something of a much bigger dream of mine. I'm a strong believer that things happen to everybody for a reason, some, more than others. But for those of us who have suffered through something life altering, I feel the strong need for communication. If there's anything that I would have been proud to leave behind, it would be the knowledge that I could help somebody.

Depression is a real thing. For those of you who know me, I am a generally happy person. I've led a pretty normal life despite my circumstances. It was after the passing of my mother at a very young age that I decided that either one of two things could happen; I could let the event rule my life, and tiptoe a very dangerous path to self-destruction... or take the high road, and use it as a stepping stone to get me to great places. It's a heavy concept to deal with at the ripe age of eight, but from then on, I rode the coattails of my friends to live a somewhat normal childhood. 

Life is great, life has so much potential for each and every one of us. It's those times when we forget this that turn us into someone else. I guess you could say I have been brushing the bad times underneath the rug for a very long time. I thought, "I need to put this thing behind me, and just live." But I had trained my brain so well to ignore sadness, that something had to give. It wasn't until the recent passing of my grandfather (whom I was very close to), that unearthed some feelings I have never experienced before. 

I came back that week from the funeral to continue on with work and school. I started noticing some changes in my body and myself that were unfamiliar to me. Sleep became more prevalent as the days had passed, I was needing more of it, and more often. Getting up in the morning has been a struggle, I simply do not want to face the day ahead of me. I relied on more and more caffeine than my body should be able to handle in order to keep myself up and running. I noticed my motivation levels dropping rapidly... things I used to enjoy like going to the gym had become something I dreaded. School was the next of the effects. I had absolutely no motivation for class, and I simply could not focus. Everything in my mind was normal, but my body told me otherwise.

After a doctors appointment this week, I had been reluctantly coming to the conclusion that my mind was trying to tell me something. All of these feelings I had ignored for so long were finally taking over. My mind said, "alright, if you aren't going to address these issues, we'll let your body show you how you really feel." 

Overcoming sadness is mind over matter. Right now, my body is screaming at me to let go. But you cannot do this. I know I am stronger than anything that can happen to me, and stronger than any therapy you can prescribe. My path to happiness still exists, my vision is just a little blurry. With the help of great friends, and family, I'm hoping to get back to the basics. Because sadness lingers just a moment, happiness is eternal.

If you are simply passing through this blog because you saw me advertise it, thanks for reading. If you are someone who knows somebody having issues coping with a loss, pass this URL along. If you, yourself, are dealing with something and would like help... you are not alone. Feel free to email me with any questions or concerns, or just leave a comment below. You are stronger than you think.